A Reflection On Mother's Day

Yesterday yet another note came home from school with Caden.  It's like banging my head against a brick wall talking to that kid about his behavior at school.  He get's so angry and frustrated or he cries.  Or he says, "Whatever!"  or my current favorite, "Ya, Right!".  (He often uses this out of context so I know it's something he's heard somewhere and he's emulating it, trying to be cool.)
I was also talking to another mom of a child with ADHD and it was so refreshing to hear, "ME TOO!" after everything I said about Caden.  He's not alone.  I'm not alone.  But sometimes it feels like it.  Parenting a child with ADHD is so difficult.  Parenting a child with ADHD with other children in the home is also difficult.  We were both (my friend with an child with ADHD) commenting on how we feel like we're constantly harping on the one and praising the other, or nagging one and ignoring the other.  It's hard to focus on 3 other kids when I'm CONSTANTLY focused on Caden, still, even AFTER his toddler phase.   As Mother's Day approaches, I'm reflecting on what it means to me a mother, for me.  A mother of 4 with a child with ADHD a toddler with some separation issues (if you've ever met Olivia and even LOOKED at her, you know what I mean), and one typical preschool boy and a typical first grade girl, who both look up to their older brother and mimic his actions and phrases.
I have guilt.  Daily.  Every day I feel guilty about something I have or haven't done.  I should read more with my kids.  I shouldn't have given them that junky lunch- I should have made them something healthier.  I should have stopped cleaning and sat down with Vince to watch a movie when I know he just needed me to snuggle him for a minute so he could fall asleep.  I felt guilty last night, and many nights before, when I told a child I'd be "right in" to cuddle with them in bed at night but I got caught up doing other things and when I got there they were already asleep.  I feel guilty for CONSTANTLY correcting Caden.  I should be more on my game and structure his afternoon to make him successful, not allow him free reign that he can't handle and leads to him making bad choices.  I should focus more on Olivia.  I should spend more time playing with all my kids.  Ellie loves to do crafts and Vince loves to play guys.  There's no reason I can't do that with them, other than I value something else above doing that at any given moment.  Guilt.  For everything.  I know it will never go away and in some ways, I think that's good.  I think my guilt keeps me striving to be a better parent.  It keeps me focused on the mom I want to be, rather than the mom I am.  I'll never be that SuperMom, but my guilt helps to get me closer.

I have love.  I love my kids.  I know all moms love their kids, but I don't think I'll ever fully grasp how immense that love is.  Kind of like I'll never fully understand how big the universe is.  I never realized how much it was possible to love someone until I had kids.  I remember when I was pregnant with Ellie, I was so worried that I wouldn't love her as much as I loved Caden.  It just didn't seem possible to me.  But I do.  And I love Vince and Olivia as much too.  I love them for who they are.  I love that Vince told me this morning that he didn't want to change into short, "But thanks for asking!".  I love that Olivia runs with her little arm pumping her along.  I love that Ellie can remember something I said 3 years ago, but can forget a question I asked just a second ago.  I love how complex Caden's mind is.  He always amazes me with the seemingly random things he'll say, but I can tell he's put a lot of thought into them, like he latest interest in police dogs and how he wants to be a K-9 officer when he grows up.  I love my kids, no matter what they do.  I tell Caden this all the time.  It's important to me for my kids to know this.  Mom's love is unconditional.  Period.  Even when you're throwing rocks in the air conditioner.  I love you.  Even when you're draw a line around the entire dining room wall with a dry erase marker.  I love you.  Even when you get in trouble at school for peeing on the bathroom walls. I love you.  Even when you paint your toenails on the carpet.  I love you.  Unconditionally.

I'm grateful.  I don't think I take enough time to focus on how much I have.  Today I was struck AGAIN by how grateful I am to be at home with my kids.   The 3 big kids were at school today and I just had Olivia with me as I ran errands.  She was lagging behind and I knelt down, reached out my arms and she ran to me.  I scooped her up and kissed her and buckled her into her car seat.  For some reason, this small scenario made me immensely grateful that I was able to do that with her.  I'm so glad that I don't have to take her to child care and go to work.  I get to be with her all day long.  I'm so grateful that I was able to do that with all 3 of the younger ones and most of Caden's toddlerhood.  I know some mom's love to work, but I'm so much happier being home.  I'm grateful that my kids are all healthy.  I struggle with Caden's ADHD, but it's not going to kill him.  (Me maybe, but not him.)  I don't have to watch my children suffer or be in pain every day.  They get to have a "normal" life and I don't think I'll ever fully understand how lucky we are to be able to say that.

On Mother's Day, I'm glad I get to celebrate.  I get to celebrate my 9th year doing what I love.  Watching my kids grow up and be themselves-the good and the bad.  Someone once told me that I really embrace motherhood.  I do.  I embrace it with everything that I have- two little girls and two little boys...and a horrible little dog.