Rage

It has come to my attention in the last few years that I have a bit of a temper.  Just a bit.  It's generally well hidden and I've had MANY people tell me over the years that I'm very patient.  "You teach preschool?!  I don't have the patience for that?"  "You teach first graders?!! I don't know how you do it.  I don't have the patience."   But the fact remains that sometimes I lose my s%#&.  Like, LOSE it.  I know it's genetic because my mother once described the "rage building inside" and I know EXACTLY what she means.  I don't get angry a lot, it's just every once in awhile, but when I blow, it's not pretty.  The upshot of that is, I can ride that "do you want Mommy to get angry again?" for quite awhile.  "I'm going to LOSE IT!"  is also frequently heard at my house, although it's really more of a threat since I don't really LOSE lose it too much.  But sadly, today I did.  And Olivia was the recipient.

Every morning is frustrating for me.  It's such a battle with all 4 of them just to do EVERYTHING!  Get dressed, eat, brush your teeth and/or hair, put on your shoes, walk out the door. (Today Caden was mad I wouldn't let him take his DS to school and stood in the doorway with his coat and backpack on refusing to leave.) I'm already irritated to begin with in the mornings.  I got Ellie and Caden off to school and Vince was mostly compliant, which is rare. Vince hates school.  Every day he drags his feet and refuses to put on shoes, stand still to have his hair brushed (which is in the process of growing out and he looks so shaggy) or anything else that will prolong the process of getting him to school.  We're always late and it drives me nuts.  I start getting ready to walk out the door 20 minutes before we actually need to leave and it's STILL not enough time.  Today, Vince was ready to go, just need to physically put him in the van.  I ran back to grab Olivia and she was removing her pants, socks and shoes and whining.  We were going to be late again.
And I LOST IT! Nothing broke, no holes in the shower (it's happened before) and no one got hit (I don't go THAT crazy--much) but I yelled no, screamed, and hit things and slapped my hand on the counter and slammed doors.  Then I stood alone in the kitchen to calm down before I went back to deal with an Olivia that was refusing to wear clothes, refusing to wear socks and wanted to wear a bathing suit.  Pause, Relax, Breathe.  Just like it used to say on my wall in the old house.  While I was calming down I heard the gate shut.  Vince was getting in the car.  He wanted NO PART of this.  When I was calm enough to function, I went back in and somehow got her dressed and in the car.  We were only 3 minutes late.  Not THAT bad.

The reason I'm blogging about this is really not clear to me.  I think it's more of a public apology to Olivia.  Once Vince was in school I talked to her about why I got angry and apologized to her for yelling so much.  I hate that I get so mad.  I know I'm not alone because I once read an article in Mothering Magazine about a mom that also got really mad, but I have to say, I'm not as bad as she was.  I think it's also because it just doesn't fit with my vision of how things should go.  I obviously have this picture in my head of how I'd like thing in my life to be and clearly there's a disconnect with the way they actually are.  Otherwise, I wouldn't really be writing this blog, right?  I know that everyone gets angry and everyone has done things they're not proud of (twice I lost it with Caden in front of people.  Both times it was family, but still, WAY worse when you add embarrassment (his and mine) to it.) so I guess I'm just sharing.  It was enough of an event to upset me, so I thought it blogworthy.  We're fine now, Olivia and I.  We had a nice afternoon at the Y for open swim.  (The original reason for the bathing suit issue in the morning.)  I feel like I can tell my kids whatever I want, but what will stick with them is what they see me model.  Losing my mind every few months like that isn't something I want them to imitate.  But, on the other hand, it'll make for great stories when they're adults.  "Remember that time Mom got really mad and threw a stool at the shower and put a hole in the wall?!?!  Mom's crazy!"  Hopefully I'm sitting there smiling, not in an institution doing a water color to represent how I visualize "calm".   I just have to remember.  Pause, Relax, Breathe.  My mantra for motherhood.

So excited for open swim--crazy smile.